thankful

Photo on 27-11-14 at 15.43

this hasn’t really been my favorite week. And I guess that’s not the way to start a post on Thanksgiving really is it? I’ve felt sick, anxious, like I am living a life that I can’t keep up with, and on top of that very, very homesick. This world is moving too fast for me and along with it I am trying to keep pace. It is extremely tiring.

I entered this week with anxiety for treating new friends poorly, blaming it on alcohol, but knowing in honesty that I was the one who fed myself the poison. I entered this week as the others, knowing that I wasn’t handling the break-up too well – and acting as if I was handling it really well.

And this whole week I have been so homesick. Sick home for the states, home sick for before spring and home sick for my family in Stockholm.

So I’m not gonna lie, I was really looking forward to Thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving for me meant riding in the silver punch-buggy early in the morning with dad to Boston Market. Thanksgiving meant chicken noodle soup for me and some combo meal for my dad while waiting for our order. We were usually good at the whole homemade deal, but Thanksgiving was out of our comfort zone, as the hearty swedes we were. Thanksgiving meant no computer time, as much as I wanted to enjoy club penguin or neopets or write on my novel, Thanksgiving was one of those completely offline holidays were me and my sisters would figure something out together. Especially because Thanksgiving meant finally welcoming my biggest sister home for at least the weekend.

A few years later, Thanksgiving got to mean holding on to those last strings connecting me back home. One year it was cooking in grandma and grandpas house, me making vegetarian chicken noodle soup to enjoy for lunch as the other preparations were made. It was exclaiming that I had made the best stuffing, and dad and my sister agreeing.

So I was really looking forward to this Thanksgiving.

I was out yesterday buying the last of the things, the tofu was already straining in the colander by midnight, and the pie crust had been cooling since Tuesday. So I was stumped to find out that we had to cancel. It didn’t help that I was anxious, homesick and post-relationship depressed.

I thought, why couldn’t I be home, home with mom or home with dad. Couldn’t I be enjoying the sweet smell of sage and thyme? And it was really difficult to be thankful.

But the turkey is in the oven. The sweetness of sage and thyme is filling my nostrils. I can taste the combination of green beans and cheddar. And I know that only some miles to the east and some more to the west I have an enormous family that loves me, and is thankful for me specifically. So I am thankful for them, even if I am not with them today. And I am thankful for being able to fill my own home with the smell of great food. Even if living alone sometimes is so extremely difficult, I am so privileged to have come this far. And I am thankful for all the memories that I have behind me, of holidays and of regular days.

So really, I am especially thankful today, for had it not been for these great expectations on specifically this day, I would never have paid attention to all the things that I have. I love you mom, dad, my sisters, my grandparents, my cousins, aunts and uncles, my extended family and all my in-laws. I love my old friends and my new friends and I hate being cheesy, but I am thankful.

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